Tim Vine Quotes


You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. - Tim Vine


You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. - Tim Vine


You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. - Tim Vine


With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke. - Tim Vine


Velcro: what a rip-off. - Tim Vine


So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. - Tim Vine


So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.' - Tim Vine


So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' - Tim Vine


So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' - Tim Vine


People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff. - Tim Vine


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